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Fidelity: November, 1830
(to be edited) Aimery has had quite a busy week. Audric had a minor crisis on Tuesday that absolutely required a private discussion that lasted until two in the morning. Jehan was in an odd mood the next night and spent a great deal of it in Aimery's bed reciting poems in Greek and refusing to translate them. Christophe helpfully offered to distract Aimé from the rigors of classes and introduced him to a young lady named Marie-Louise on Thursday. On Friday, Daniel sits next to Aimery at the start of the meeting and puts a hand on his sleeve, saying, "Don't go off tonight. Please," but offering no further explanation. After the meeting, they walk to Aimery's apartment. Daniel refuses to explain in the street, but as soon as they arrive he embraces Aimery, kisses him, and takes hold of the back of his jacket. "I hate it when you do this to me," he says breathlessly, a few minutes later. "Do what?" Aimery inquires, indistinctly, between kisses buried in Daniel's hair. "Run off on me for days at a time." Daniel sighs. "I just wish you weren't so bedamned popular." "Ah, beloved." Aimery collapses onto the bed, tugging Daniel after him. "I /am/ sorry. These things just seem to happen." "They never happen to me," somewhat testily. Aimery grins at him. "Perhaps you haven't given them a chance." Daniel gives him an unamused look in return. "I seem to recall sleeping with a good number of people at one point. Was I supposed to want to continue in that vein?" "No," sobering. "At least-- not necessarily. Damn it," but he seems vexed with himself rather than with Daniel. He shrugs off his rumpled coat and holds out his arms, for all the world like a hopeful little boy. Daniel's expression softens. He takes his coat off and hugs Aimery. "I love you. You know that. I just -- I wish you didn't have however many other people who you care about just as much as you care about me." "Dearest--" Aimery sighs. "It's not--" "Isn't it?" Daniel shakes his head. "I'm being an idiot. Don't mind me." Aimery runs his fingers through Daniel's hair, lingering. "You're never an idiot." "No?" half a sigh. "I think that bothering to be jealous of my dearest friends is rather stupid." "No. Just-- unnecessary." Aimery kisses his cheek. "Sometimes someone needs me more than you do. And-- sometimes I need a change. It doesn't mean I don't love you-- with all my heart." Daniel frowns. "You don't, though, and I shouldn't expect you to." He sighs. "Last night I'm sure you loved Christophe with all your heart. Didn't you?" "Daniel..." "Didn't you?" Aimery can't quite repress a grin. "That wasn't my heart." Daniel blushes and sits up. "Aimery, that's not -- God. I might as well go home." "Daniel. Don't. I'm sorry." Aimery catches at his sleeve. "I'm sorry. Just..." "What?" impatiently. "Just I can't do enough for you, I'm not interesting enough for you, and you don't care for me any more than you care for the rest of them. I know this, and I should damned well remember it, but I tend to forget. Forgive me. I'll leave you alone." Aimery takes hold of his shoulders. "No. No, no, and no. Daniel, please." He is serious again, his eyes dark with distress. "Listen to me. /I love you/. I don't say that lightly -- and you're not interchangeable, for God's sake, that isn't it at all." "It seems that way." Daniel shakes his head. "I know you love me. That isn't a question. It never was. And -- I don't understand. Tell me." Aimery sighs, and is quiet a minute, looking away. "It's... it isn't fair, to love you best." "Then I fear I'm being hideously unfair." Daniel touches his hair lightly. "I haven't even the decency to hide the fact that I adore you." "Ah, cher," Aimery sighs, and turns to kiss his fingers. "And I you. Very nearly more than everyone else." He smiles ruefully. "This is a ridiculous conversation," Daniel observes, "and it's not even comforting. I should go." "Please don't," softly. "I should," again, "until I can remember that it's not a question of degree, or amount, or anything like that." Daniel shrugs. "But sometimes I wonder why you would want me, if you have all of them." "Because you're /you/, damn it." Abruptly, Aimery tackles him. "Because I adore you. Because no one else would come home with blue streaks in his hair, or chide me for wasting candles, or paint me en deshabille, or tickle me when I compliment him too familiarly. Because you're wonderful, Daniel." Daniel blushes. "Yes, but they're all wonderful, or you wouldn't want them, either. I -- I wish I wasn't one of --" he bites his lip "--however many people there are who you adore." "Seven," Aimery says mildly, "of whom three are disinclined to accept my, er, wholehearted adoration, and another is generally only interested when he's vexed with Bossuet." He kisses Daniel lightly. "So very much competition, chéri?" "I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if you missed me all that much when I was with Rosalie." Another kiss. "I tried not to." "I'm sure you succeeded," dryly, but Daniel embraces him again. Aimery settles into his arms with a sigh. "To some extent. Yes." "Your trouble," kissing his cheek, "is that you're charming enough that you get what you want almost all the time." Aimery laughs heartily at that. "Do you think so? Why, I've been wasting all this time. Here I could have gone and paid a visit to King Charles and asked him kindly to step down, as a favor to me. Not to mention saving considerably on my rent." Daniel chuckles. "As long as you never kissed him, chéri, I think it would have worked." Aimery sits up in mock indignation. "Oh, are my kisses that offensive?" "No, beloved, but if I thought you'd been consorting with the likes of him, I wouldn't do this --" and Daniel kisses him at great length, winding his fingers into Aimery's hair and starting to unfasten his clothing. "Ah," breathlessly. "I see. Just as well, then," and he returns the favor. "Isn't it? God, I love you." Another kiss. "What luck I have," Aimery murmurs, heartfelt, and tugs the blanket up over them. * * * Last night, Aimery spent the night with Bahorel, doing several exciting things with several naked people. When he and Daniel arrive at his flat, it is a great deal quieter than it was the night before, though as soon as they arrive Daniel embraces him and kisses him passionately. "Ah, chéri," Aimery sighs when he gets a breath. "How do you do that?" "Do what?" Aimery twines his fingers in Daniel's hair. "Drive me to distraction in the space of a minute." "I learned from the best," lightly. "God, Aimery -- I --" "Hmm?" Daniel bites Aimery's lip gently. "Wish you wouldn't -- wouldn't go off like that." Aimery shivers. "God... It's only Christophe, cher." He kisses Daniel's cheek. "Not as if you didn't know where I was--" "I know perfectly well --" Daniel sighs. "It doesn't help that it was Christophe." "Why?" Daniel frowns. "Nothing. Never mind." He kisses Aimery again. Aimery accedes to this cheerfully, running a hand down Daniel's back. Daniel pulls him closer. "Just -- God, love." "Bed?" suggests Aimery, after a pause. Daniel sighs. "I --" "Please?" kissing him again lightly. "It'd be more comfortable." "I'm sure." He shakes his head. "I just -- I don't know if I can do this." Aimery frowns a bit. "Do what?" Daniel looks away from him. "You should have asked Christophe again." "No, I shouldn't," calmly. "Daniel-- come to bed with me. Come sit with me, at least." "Yes, you should have," embracing him tightly. "At least he wouldn't be fool enough to mind what you'd been doing a day or a week before." Aimery returns the hug, and chuckles. "He'd have little enough grounds to complain if he did." "Yes, but --" Daniel nuzzles his shoulder. "But it wouldn't bother him at all. And it bothers me." Aimery sighs. "Come sit with me?" "All right," softly. Once they are comfortably situated on the edge of the bed, Aimery embraces Daniel again. "I don't understand," he confesses. "It's stupid." "You're never stupid." "I --" Daniel leans on his shoulder. "It bothers me that you -- what you do with other people." He sighs. "And that, frankly, is stupid." "No. Just-- I don't understand," tracing a finger along his shoulder blade. "Aren't we all--" "Friends. Brothers." Daniel shrugs. "They're not all my lovers. But you are -- and -- and that changes things, for me. I know you don't think about this the way that I do, I know you can love them and me, and not slight anyone, but it -- I can't think about what you do with them and not be uncomfortable." Aimery is quiet for a minute. "What would you have me do?" he says at last, neutrally. Daniel shakes his head. "Nothing. It's my problem." "Daniel..." Daniel shrugs. "I wouldn't ask you for anything. I shouldn't." "Why not?" "You are who you are. I knew what your habits were when this started. I shouldn't expect you to change." "But you do," gently. "No. I would only be happier if you did." Daniel embraces him. Aimery hugs him tightly. "It comes to the same thing." "No, it doesn't. You don't have to do anything to please me." "Then what kind of lover am I?" Daniel blinks at him. "One who has better things to do than humor jealous whims." Aimery looks back at him gravely. "Is it only that?" "I -- I don't think so, but --" he frowns. "You wouldn't like it." "Declining Christophe's invitations? No, I wouldn't." Aimery is still calm. "And I'm no more important to you than he is," Daniel's voice is more than a little bitter, "so I've no reason or right to ask you --" "Did I say that?" "You didn't have to say it." "Daniel--" Aimery sighs, glancing away. "If you ask me to choose between you-- you should know what I'll decide." "I don't know," softly. "And I don't have the right to ask that." Aimery touches his cheek. "Between Audric who has his Julien, and Jehan who has his Theo, and Christophe who exhausts me in a night, and you? That shouldn't be too confusing." "Yes, but -- there's only one of me." "True," smiling wryly. "A distinct but entirely forgivable flaw." "And the rest of them have the sense not to be jealous, or at least not to complain --" he smiles. "Or, they're not jealous of you. Though why anyone would be quite so possessive of Bossuet..." he shrugs. Aimery laughs at that. "I've yet to quite figure that out, myself." "Whereas you --" Daniel kisses him. Still chuckling, Aimery returns the kiss. "Flattering scoundrel," he says breathlessly after a minute. Daniel laughs. "Credit where credit is due. And -- I love you." "And I you, mon cher. Quite to distraction." "Really?" wistfully. "Really." Aimery touches his cheek. "Never doubt it." Daniel glances away from him. "I --" "What, love?" "I can't -- and I shouldn't ask you." "Can't what?" Daniel takes his hand. "I -- I shouldn't ask you to choose." Aimery kisses his fingers mutely. "Damn it." "Cheri--" Aimery sighs. "If you want me to... refrain... then I'll do my best." Daniel is quiet a moment. "I -- just tell me, please, when -- when you can't -- I know it's not fair and I know you aren't used to it --" he embraces Aimery. "I'll-- oh, god, cheri, if I could be --" "Shhhh, love." Aimery pulls him close. "Shh. It's all right." "I know I can't make you happy all the time -" Daniel kisses his cheek. "But I will try." "I know," softly. "I adore you." Daniel tangles his fingers in Aimery's hair and kisses him at great length. * * * Late the next week, Aimery arrives alone at Musain, Daniel having other business on this particular night. As the gathering is quite small and quite select, he greets Christophe unabashedly with a kiss, which makes Julien cough and Audric shake his head. After that little display, however, he is on his best behavior for the rest of the evening. At the end of the meeting, once Julien is safely out of hearing distance in Audric's tender care, Christophe grins at Aimery. "Shall we go, mon ami?" Aimery shakes his head, unusually grave. "Not tonight, cher." Christophe blinks at him. "No? Daniel's busy, isn't he?" "He won't be when he gets home," Aimery points out, "and--" "And what? When he gets home, he'll be home, and not in your way." Aimery sighs. "Chris-- I promised him not to." Christophe frowns. "What on earth did you do that for?" "For the sake of peace?" Aimery runs a hand through his hair. "I-- I don't know. It's important to him. And-- it's probably good for me," ruefully. "Good for you?" Christophe snorts. "I doubt it. What could it possibly hurt to do what you've been doing for years, on another night? It's just me." He shakes his head and gets up. "But, fine, if that's what you want to do." "It isn't, particularly." Aimery stands, laying a hand on his arm. "Don't go off angry, will you?" "Why are you going along with this if you don't want to, then? I'm not angry. I just don't see the point." "Because." Aimery sighs again. "Because it matters to him, and..." Uncharacteristically, he trails off. Christophe gives him a long look. "That doesn't make any damned sense. We've been doing exactly what he objects to for how long now, while he's been -- doing whatever it is he does, often, if I recall correctly, involving you. You've mentioned this to him, I assume?" "Yes." Aimery's fingers play with the cuff of Christophe's sleeve. "It just-- he had a hard enough time with this to begin with, you know, and-- the rest of you have someone else." "Carine is a lovely girl," Christophe says, shrugging, "but she isn't you, and I wouldn't want her to be. And -- I can see why he might object, I suppose, but why are you humoring him?" Aimery looks at him a moment, and leans over to kiss his cheek. "For the same reason I hope you'll humor me, mon cher." "I was damned well offering to humor you," gruffly. He tousles Aimery's hair. "How long is this going to last, then?" Aimery ducks reflexively. "I don't know." "Indefinitely?" Christophe rolls his eyes. "Well. Enjoy it, then." "I'll try." Aimery shakes his head. "It seems like a terribly difficult thing to enjoy. Well --" Christophe glances at the door. "Give Daniel my regards." "All right." Aimery kisses him again. "Goodnight, Aimé." Christophe smiles at him, then walks to the door. "You're sure about this?" Aimery smiles wryly. "Sure enough. Goodnight, mon ami. Take care of yourself." * * * Perhaps a month and a half after Aimery begins spending all of his ights in a predictable location, Daniel skips a meeting and asks him to make an excuse. Daniel goes to the flat that he technically occupies, gathers the few things that are his -- an extra coat, a box full of books, and a few odds and ends. He takes his leave of the proprietor of the building, pays off the rent that he owes the man, and brings his things to the much more expensive place where he has spent the majority of his time in the last several weeks. He arrives well before the meeting ends, so the flat is still empty. He arranges his belongings in a corner of the room, inconspicuously, and then goes to bed, though it is still early. Aimery comes in significantly later than he normally would. He pauses in the doorway, and sighs quietly before getting undressed. Daniel wakes up a little during this and smiles at him. "Good evening, chéri." "Evening." Aimery reaches over to smooth his hair affectionately. "Did the meeting go well?" "Well enough." "Nothing earth-shattering happened?" Daniel asks lightly, and yawns. Aimery smiles a little in the darkness. "No." He slides under the covers, shivering a bit. Daniel embraces him with a small, contented sigh. Aimery pulls him close, kissing his cheek. "'night, cher." Daniel gives him a real kiss in return, then blinks at him in the dark. "Aimery?" "Mm?" "What --" Daniel lets him go. "I --" Aimery sighs. "You what?" "What have you been doing?" Aimery shrugs, looking at the wall. "Hell. You could have -- you could have warned me. Explained. Or just told me." Daniel sits up and gets out of bed. "Or didn't you realize you were tired of me until I wasn't there?" "It's not that, damn it. You know it's not." Aimery sits up, catching at his arm. "It's never that simple, I told you that to begin with." "What was it, then?" Daniel bites his lip, hard. "You knew I was going to be here. You could have damned well come home. You could have told me you -- you needed something else." Aimery takes a deep breath, and lets it out. And another. "Yes. All right. I should have thought." "It would have been better than surprising me." Daniel sighs and touches his shoulder. "I knew you weren't enjoying this experiment half as much as I was." "I wanted to." Aimery sighs, takes Daniel's hand and kisses it. "I just-- I'm sorry." "It's all right." Daniel gets back into bed. "Of course it's all right. You just startled me." "I know. I-- hell." Aimery sinks back against the pillow. "I -- what do you want from me, really?" Daniel asks, keeping his voice calm. "I asked too much of you." Aimery is quiet for a minute or two. "It's not your fault, now, is it." "If I hadn't pushed you into this -- I wouldn't have been so foolish." Daniel kisses his cheek. "I should go, tomorrow." Aimery tenses. "...If you must." "I would rather not." Daniel embraces him. "But I can't very well stay indefinitely; I could never find the money." "Oh, for God's sake, Daniel--" Aimery hugs him tightly. "And I'm in your way here," mildly. "You are /not/." "Of course I am. If I'd been somewhere else, you could have --" Daniel sighs. "Could have brought whoever it was back here." Aimery snorts. "That would have required more forethought than I had. Clearly." Daniel nuzzles his shoulder. "You were thinking ahead," mildly. "You didn't bring him with you, now, did you?" Aimery coughs a bit. "Christophe-- doesn't allow much time for planning." "If you say so." "Mm." "Still, I don't want to stay and make you pay for it." "Daniel." Aimery slips an arm around his waist. "You talk as though I'm not glad to have you here." "When you'd rather be with someone else," snuggling up to him, "you'd probably be happier if I had somewhere else to go." "For your sake, not mine," somewhat amused. "And the sake of whoever it is," kissing his shoulder. Aimery chuckles at that. "Generally speaking, no." Daniel tickles him. "Terrible man." Aimery squawks and writhes. "What? It's the truth-- stop that!" "I'll have to take your word for that." Daniel desists, kisses his nose, and relaxes. "In any case --" he yawns. "Goodnight." "Daniel?" "Hm?" Aimery kisses him, emphatically and at some length. "Oh," Daniel says afterward. "Really." Aimery nods solemnly. "Really." "Well." Daniel kisses his cheek. "What do you expect me to do about that?" "Whatever you see fit, love." "I don't know." Daniel runs his fingers over the lines of Aimery's face, lightly tracing his cheekbones. "You're the one who's had a long night already." Aimery smiles at him in the darkness. "Ah, but I've made you worry. The least I can do is try to make amends." Daniel shrugs. "You needn't. It's enough that you'll let me stay." "Given what an idiot I've been, I wouldn't blame you if you threw /me/ out." Aimery kisses him again, lightly. "Should I let you sleep, then?" "And have you run off tomorrow because I've refused you?" Daniel kisses his cheek. "Whatever you like, love." "Like hell." Aimery pulls him close. "You take that back." "I --" Daniel sighs. "I don't know why you do that sort of thing. If you want something from me, I'm at your disposal." The smile goes away. Aimery lets him go, and shifts to bury his face in the pillow. "Don't, please." Daniel embraces him. "See -- I should go. This doesn't make you happy." "Damn you," indistinctly. "I love you. I don't know why that's so incomprehensible." Daniel sighs. "I love you, too, but I make you unhappy." "No." Aimery sits up abruptly. "I make you unhappy. If you weren't such a self-effacing idiot, you'd notice the difference." Daniel frowns. "Which is why you were just kissing the pillow? I know when I'm unhappy, and I'm -- not. Not really." Aimery scowls at the wall. "If I wanted somebody to be at my disposal, I'd pay them by the hour. I woke you up. You want to go back to sleep, then go back to sleep. That's all." "I didn't mean it like that." Daniel runs a hand down his back. "Don't be upset -- it's not that important." "It is if-- damn it." Aimery puts his head in his hands. "I wanted you to be happy, and instead I upset you and you end up comforting /me/. A fine job I'm doing." Daniel shrugs. "It's all right. Hug me, would you?" Aimery complies with a sigh. "I'm sorry." Daniel kisses him at length. "Everything is all right." Aimery returns the kiss, and holds him tightly for a moment. "If you say so." "Just warn me before you wander off, all right?" Daniel strokes his hair. Aimery nods. "I love you." "And I love you. No matter what a mess I make of showing it." "You've been doing very well," softly. "Don't you know how happy I've been?" Aimery hugs him tightly in answer. Daniel murmurs a string of endearments in his ear and finishes with, "And you're not perfect, but you're better than I am." "The hell." Aimery kisses his cheek. "Stop right there." "You've never asked me to change," defensively. "Because I adore you just as you are. Ergo, you have no faults worth mentioning." Aimery ruffles Daniel's hair. "Get under the covers, will you? It's freezing." Daniel pulls up the covers and settles beside him. "Sorry." Aimery nestles beside him and embraces him again. "Better." "I used to have -- more difficulty than this," Daniel says softly. A pause. "Yes, you did." "But you never complained." Aimery blinks. "Of course not." Daniel sighs. "And I had no right to complain about what you do, either." Aimery is quiet a moment. "That's different," he says in quite another tone. "How?" "You weren't doing anything wrong." "Neither were you. And --" Daniel shifts a little and kisses his cheek. "In a manner of speaking, I was treating you badly, then." Aimery snorts. "Not that badly. And-- not when you could have done better. /That's/ the difference." "But I could have done better. I have, since then, so I could have then. I just had to learn." Aimery pokes him. "These things take time." "And practice." "Exactly." "And instruction, which I should have asked you for -- god, a long time before I did." Daniel touches his cheek. "I'm sorry." "Mon frere. It hardly matters." Aimery kisses him again. "I must have vexed you terribly." Daniel sighs. "And I wasn't fair to you." "Daniel, for pity's sake." "I wasn't." Daniel fidgets a little. "I love you." "I know. I love you, too." Daniel kisses him at length. Aimery pulls him close, sliding a hand down his spine. "Well," breathlessly, "we can make up for lost time, now." "This is entirely true." "God." Daniel kisses him again.
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