|
Innocent (Prouvaire): April, 1826
I was expecting to meet Julien Enjolras and Audric Combeferre in Enjolras' flat for a pleasant conversation, and that perhaps we would go out to some café and get a drink. I was not expecting them to ask me to swear a solemn vow of friendship and brotherhood. Even less was I expecting the way they wanted to seal the vow -- with kisses, with love, with caresses.
I had only been in Paris for five months. On my fifteenth birthday, February 23rd, 1825, my parents said that within a year, they would have me established in Paris, independent of them for all but finances. It took them until the end of the summer to find me reliable lodgings close to a second cousin, and it took him until October to find a professor of literature who consented to mentor me. I had had to send him copies of my writings in Hebrew, Greek, and Latin before he would take me on, and even then he was somewhat reluctant. I left home with tearful goodbyes to my mother and father in November, and was comfortably installed in my own rooms by the end of that month. In December, I had the great fortune to meet Julien and Audric. They were entirely enraptured with each other at the time, mostly numb to the rest of the world, with the air of lovers who have only discovered each other's charms in the last few months. I suspect that if they had been at all willing to act in a manner that they considered overt, I would have tired of their company quickly. As it was, they were doing their best to be subtle, and only mentioned each other once every few sentences, instead of once a sentence, which rendered them somewhat curious, but tolerable. We fell into a habit of speaking of all manner of things and staying out late into the night drinking coffee, a beverage my professor deplored. Sometimes, the topic would turn to politics, which made Audric nervous. He would always interrupt and change the subject if there was anyone around who looked as though he might be paying attention to what we were saying. That night, when it all finally fell into place, I understood why. It was a fine April evening. I was looking forward to spending it with my friends. When they asked me to swear to uphold my politics to the death -- what was spring to that? When Audric kissed me, what did new-budded flowers signify? I had no concept of what they were going to do. I had seen pictures of lovely naked women, and read the sort of books anyone reads in his first months away from Maman's prying eyes, but this was nothing like that. It was real, and sweet. Audric untied my cravat the rest of the way; it had come undone earlier in the evening without my noticing or caring much. In the beginning, Julien seemed content to embrace me, as if he was as uncomfortable as I felt, at the start. Once Audric and I had managed to get through the labyrinth of buttons that separates a well-dressed man's skin from the air, both in the case of his waistcoat and shirt, and mine, Audric kissed me lightly on the neck and shifted a bit to help Julien undress. Their bed -- clearly one they shared habitually -- was perhaps comfortable for two men, but too small for three. I sat upon the pillow with my knees pulled up to my bare chest, watching them. Julien frowned and whispered something in Audric's ear. Audric kissed him and whispered a response, then turned and gave me his earnest smile that says everything will be all right, no matter how difficult it seems. He went back to unbuttoning Julien's waistcoat, but Julien pushed him away and said, "For heaven's sake, I can do it." Audric caught one of his hands and kissed it. "I know you can. All right, all right." He shook his head a little and edged back up the bed to kiss me again. I sat forward, so that my knees were under me, and leaned forward, begging for a kiss with everything but words. "Breathe, Jehan," he said lightly, amused, and embraced me, as though that was going to help me breathe at all. I didn't know what to do except hug him in return. He kissed my ear, gently at first, and then nibbling on the earlobe, which made my heart skip. I could hear my own breath, shuddering and uneven. I closed my eyes and held him. After a few moments during which I thoroughly lost track of time, Julien said, "Would you move over a little?" Audric let me go, and I turned to find out which direction Julien meant. He was shirtless, pale, and beautiful. He took one of my hands in his and tugged, so I moved in that direction, and half-fell into his arms. His skin was cool against mine, and when he kissed me, his breath was sweet. Audric ran his hands down my back, which made me shiver. I felt as though I was drowning between them, and falling some great distance into madness, into love. Julien's hand was on my shoulder, soft and cool; his tongue was in my mouth, wet and hot. Audric's hands settled onto my shoulders from behind me. He squeezed Julien's fingers, and the muscles in my shoulder. I felt paradoxically safe, and as though I were going to faint. The only thing that supported me was a lightning-fork of desire that went down my spine and into my loins. I wanted them madly, though I did not know exactly what I wanted. If they had asked, I would only have been able to say, "More." Julien broke the kiss, but not to ask me anything. He looked much calmer than I felt, but his cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were open a little wider than usual. Audric said, "Mon chéri," not to me, but to Julien. He reached past me and touched Julien's lips. I had not been certain until then that they were lovers, but there was such love and intimacy in that gesture and those words. I knew vaguely then, and with increasing certainty, that I was between two men who felt that they were joined heart-to-heart. For a moment, Julien smiled at Audric, but he gave me a more solemn look. "Let me help you a moment, Jehan," he said, in so normal a tone that he might have been offering to carry my books, but his hand went to the buttons of my pants. I was suddenly, irrationally afraid that he would notice that I was aroused. He could not have failed to notice, and he had been quite clearly trying to arouse me in any case. Nevertheless, I was defensive. "No, I can do that," I protested, and I would have knocked his hand away, but he put his hand on the inside of my thigh. "Let me -- mon frère," he said again, and went back to the task. All the while, Audric was watching my buffoonery over my shoulder and stroking one of my nipples, absentmindedly. When Julien had my trousers unfastened, he stopped for a moment, as if uncertain what the next step should be. Audric moved to the side, so that he was no longer behind me, and gave me a light push, saying, "Lie back, Jehan." I would not have disobeyed him, even if I had remembered how to refuse anything at that point. I nearly fell backward. For a few moments, the world was a blur of dingy ceiling plaster and white linen sheets. They left me on the bed, and stood up, both to have a short discussion and to switch positions. I could not understand what they were saying, though I must admit I did not try very hard to hear. I was dazed with everything that had happened and blinded by desire for them. If I had been alone, I would have eased the pressure of lust that clouded my mind -- but I was waiting for them, and as curious to see what they would do next as I was desirous. "Move a bit," Julien said softly, and nudged my shoulder. I edged sideways enough so that he could lie on the bed, on his side. He ran his hand down my chest. The bed dipped a little as Audric joined us. I could not immediately fathom why he was sitting by my feet, but he shifted a little, enough to slide a warm, confident hand into my pants and cup my hip. I thought of at least six explanations between that movement and my own, half-reflexive response. I lifted my hips, and he chuckled, such a sweet, sane sound that everything seemed nearly normal, even as he was tugging my pants down. "Ah, Jehan," he said, almost a sigh, as he pulled the legs of my pants down over my feet. I should have helped, but I could not have found the wit to move unless they had both demanded that I leave immediately. Julien kissed me again, and I thought I felt something akin to urgency in his touch. He doubtless felt it in mine. I wanted to say something intelligent to him, something complimentary, anything to prove that I was worthy of this beautiful insanity. I stopped kissing him for a second and grasped for words, then gasped for breath as the world went simultaneously wet and white-hot. Julien kissed me again, somewhere in the midst of it, and his fingers were on at least one of my nipples. But I was lost in a meaningless, beautiful world for what felt like the better part of ten minutes, though it could not have been anywhere near so long. When the rapture faded, I realized that the exquisite sensation had been Audric, taking my penis in his mouth. Julien was sitting as close to the wall as possible, and avoiding touching me. Audric was looking justly pleased with himself and a bit damp. He had sat up and settled back a bit. I was immediately ashamed of myself. He had offered me an intimate gift, and I had not bothered to savor it for a moment. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, and hid my face in the crook of my elbow. Audric touched my thigh. "What's wrong?" I did not respond. "Jehan, what is it?" He sounded thoroughly distressed. "Nothing," I said, into my elbow, "but that I'm an idiot." "You are not," he said, most firmly. "Look at me, would you?" The bed shifted. I uncovered my eyes and sat up a little. Julien was climbing off the end of the bed past Audric. Audric reached up to touch his face for a moment, then looked back at me. "Better." He straightened a bit, balancing on his knees, then slid up the bed to lie where Julien had been a moment previously. "Now, mon ami, don't be so upset." His fingers brushed my thigh, gently, and made me shiver. "There is nothing to be ashamed of." "But --" I protested, and closed my eyes again. I heard a rustle and a papery sound from farther away: Julien had sat down and started to write by the half-light from outside. "There is nothing to be ashamed of, between us." Audric kissed my cheek and drew his hand away from my leg. "Do you think that I should be offended because you desired me?" "I don't know. I'm sorry." I turned away from him and hid my face in the palm of my hand. He took hold of my wrist and pulled my hand toward him. "I am not offended. Far from it." He kissed my palm, then laid my hand on the curve of his stomach, low enough that I could feel the stiff curls of his hair. He had unfastened his pants at some point, possibly when I was half-unconscious with pleasure. Audric said, "There is no shame in this, mon frère. There is only liberté, fraternité --" more softly "-- and love." I could not think about what he was saying. His tone had more meaning to me, then, than any words he could have composed to comfort me. The tacit invitation, the unspoken request was enough to make my breath catch. "Oh," I said, and turned to face him better. That he could want such a thing from me, only moments after I had so offended his dignity -- if I had been able to think, I would have been surprised. I hesitated for a moment, then slid my hand lower. Audric gasped, then kissed my cheek. "If you would like --" and I realized, somewhat to my surprise that I would like to, indeed, and that it was more than a sense of obligation. It was like, and unlike, touching myself. The heat of his skin was familiar, and the texture of it not greatly different from my own. But he gasped and pushed against me in a way that I would never have felt, nor bothered to feign, if I had been touching myself. He murmured to me all the while, words of love and brotherhood, and of how brilliant and lovely I was. I felt that I was going to catch fire from embarrassment, but also from desire. I wanted to please him, as he had pleased me, and return some of the sense of urgent madness that he had inspired in me. When he stopped being able to murmur, or ran out of interesting things to say, I smiled at him and kissed him. He tasted of salt, and of lust; if he had seemed innocent before when he held me, the illusion was shattered now. He made a small sound as I was kissing him and rocked his hips into my hand a little harder. I responded to this plea and continued, though I was not sure how pleasurable he was finding any of it. I had my answer within moments; he cried out, and abruptly my hand was wet. I had been in something of a reverie, focusing on pleasing him without remembering the logical outcome of my actions. He surprised me. For a moment, I could not think of what to do. There was a clatter behind me. I turned -- Audric did not seem much in need to my attentions at that moment; his eyes were closed and he was smiling. Julien had moved since I was last aware of him. From what I could tell, he had been standing by the edge of the bed the whole time. He handed me a handkerchief and said, "Here, use this," in his matter-of-fact way. I felt as though I was intruding between them, though I could not find the words to explain that, and neither could I phrase an apology. I handed the handkerchief back and sat up, then got out of bed in the only gesture of renunciation I could manage. "I have my own." I turned to look for it in the muddle of clothing I had been wearing earlier. Audric said, "Jehan," behind me, but then the bed creaked as Julien sat down. I felt vulnerable and cold, standing in their bedroom naked while they embraced, privy to their whispers and dirty with the cooling sweat of desire. They did not want me there, clearly, and they certainly did not need me. They were complete unto themselves; I was extraneous, imposing myself into their private peace. They were speaking about me, clearly. Little else would have held their attention for long while I stood in their bedroom and wished that I were anywhere but there. I crossed my arms over my chest after I had found my handkerchief, and started to shiver. I was trying not to think about them and what they might be saying, and trying to forget that they were there. When Julien laid his hand on my shoulder, I startled. He frowned a little. "Come back to bed, please." I looked at the floor. "All right." He put a finger under my chin and tilted my face up. "Please, Jehan," he said. It was still more a command than a question, and then he kissed me. I embraced him, and discovered that when I was ignoring him to the best of my abilities, he had taken off the rest of his clothes. Audric stood and came over to touch my shoulder for a moment before he stepped back. Julien let me go, but kept a hand on my upper arm. "Shall we?" I nodded, looking away from him. I could feel that I was blushing; there was something about Julien that was much more intimidating than his lover could ever be. I could not refuse this offer, even though I was somewhat afraid. He wanted this as a proof of commitment, clearly, and I was more than willing to commit to him. I sat on his bed, where the sheets were still warm from his body and Audric's. He sat beside me, oddly elegant even in his nudity, and kissed my cheek. "Lie back a bit, Jehan." He kept a hand on my shoulder while I moved a bit sideways and lay down correctly, and he stretched out beside me as soon as he was settled. For a moment, he looked at me, studying my face, and I was not sure what he was seeking. He closed his eyes for the space of a breath, then put his hand between my legs, tentatively, and asked, "May I?" I closed my eyes and nodded. He was not quite as gentle as I would have been, and he was utterly quiet. He kept his hand on my shoulder, and at odd intervals he would kiss my cheek. He was focused on the very simple task that he had set himself in this strange charade, and though his beloved had driven me out of my mind not terribly long before, I was far from immune to his charms or his ministrations. I did not waste much of his time with patience, though I was not quite as desperate as I had been before. I said, "Ah, Julien," at the height of it, as much to warn him as anything. When it was finished, he said, "Mon frère," and kissed me, then got up and fetched a rather pathetic handkerchief. Audric said lightly, "If we are all going to sleep here, you're going to have to move over, Jehan." I had all but forgotten that he was there, and remembering made me blush. "I'm sorry," I said, half to the pillow. "If you want me to go --" Audric glanced at Julien before he answered. "No. Please, stay here." I edged over so that I was almost falling between the bed and the wall. "All right." "Don't look so worried." Audric joined me after a moment and kissed my cheek, then gave me a real kiss. "Everything is all right, now. -- Here, let me sleep on the edge. I'm more used to the bed." We traded places a little awkwardly, and he embraced me. After a few moments, Julien joined us. He, too, put an arm around me. The bed was too narrow for three, but we managed to fit, and there was something comforting about the close quarters, as if we really were brothers sharing a bed.
[ before | after ]
|
