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Reciprocity: May, 1832
May has fallen upon Paris with bouquets of flowers in every cafe and singing birds in the trees. The nights are warm and full of laughter -- or, at least, for the young and lucky, they are. On one such night, Combeferre and Courfeyrac go off together early in the evening. They had not meant to prompt their friends into following suit, perhaps, but on this spring night, few of their otherwise devoted compatriots have the patience for politics. Enjolras is one of the few. He remains at the table where he had been sitting and reads a book. Feuilly may or may not be similarly devoted, but if he is not inclined to discuss laws, he is at least willing to read quietly in company rather than make his way homeward when there is doubtless company there. After a while, Enjolras pushes the book aside with a sigh, resting his head in his hands. Feuilly looks up and frowns slightly. "Are you all right?" "Yes," without a great deal of conviction. "All right." He looks back at his book with a slightly embarrassed expression. Enjolras straightens, and sits back with an air of determination. "Are you?" Feuilly blinks at him. "More or less." Enjolras half-smiles. "More than less, I hope." Feuilly shrugs. "I wouldn't say that, today." "I'm sorry," gently. "It's hardly your fault." Feuilly looks away. "Even so." Enjolras studies him a moment, then glances back at his book. "What's wrong?" Feuilly asks, softly. "I mean -- if you want to talk, I'll listen." "Nothing. I-- Nothing. I'm sorry, I don't mean to distract you." "It's all right," softly. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk than read?" "I can't look at this damned thing another minute," Enjolras admits. "But that doesn't mean I have to bother you, does it."' "You're not bothering me." "If you say so." Feuilly closes his book. "I do say so. It's not like I have anywhere to go right now in any case -- I mean --" he blushes. "I'm sorry." Enjolras smiles at him ruefully. "Neither have I. It's all right." Feuilly blinks. "You could go home," mildly. "Yes, but there's no need." And, more seriously, "I'm sorry." Feuilly stands. "It's all right, I said -- Julien --" the last more softly. "Ah, God, I hate nights like this." "I'm sorry," Julien says again, and looks up at him wryly. "I should have let you alone. It doesn't do to dwell on it." Daniel frowns. "As if I could stop --" he looks away. "I --" "I know," softly. Daniel bites his lip. "I think I need to get out of this cafe." He glances at Julien. "Walk with me?" Julien hesitates a split second, then, "All right." He pushes to his feet. Daniel smiles fleetingly and picks up his book. "Not that I know where I want to go, particularly." Julien collects his own book, and comes over to join him. "Under the circumstances," lightly, "it's only fair of me to offer you a place to sleep." Daniel blushes. "You needn't." "I know I needn't." A moment's pause. "And you needn't accept, of course." "If you want me to, I suppose I don't mind." Daniel studies the floorboards. Julien touches his shoulder fleetingly. "Shall we walk for a while, and see where we end up?" Daniel stares at him a moment, swallows, then says, "All right." Julien nods once, and heads for the door. Daniel shakes his head and follows him. Outside, Julien seems to gain confidence. He sets off up the street for all the world as though he knows where he's going. Daniel walks beside him and glances at him every few steps as if unsure whether Julien will turn around or continue on with him. After a minute or two, Julien says again, mildly, "I'm sorry." "Why?" A graceful shrug. "That this evening isn't more pleasant for you?" Daniel pauses. "Julien, it's not your responsibility." "I know. Even so." "You don't have to -- to make it up to me." It is Julien's turn to pause. "How so?" "You didn't have to invite me home with you, mon frère," softly. "And if you want to retract that offer, I'll not hold you to it." "Why? It's no trouble." Daniel blushes. "It's up to you. That's all." Julien stops to look at him squarely. "What's the matter?" Daniel looks away from him for a moment before returning his gaze. "Nothing's wrong. You surprise me a little, but not in a bad way. After all, it's only logical you should want company." Someone else might say this with an edge in his voice, but Daniel does not. He smiles and clasps Julien's shoulder. "I appreciate it." After a moment Julien returns the gesture, smiling a bit. "Don't mention it." Daniel grins at him. "All right, I won't. Shall we go?" "By all means." Daniel sets off again, looking much more cheerful and relaxed. When they arrive, Julien's mood seems dampened a little. He unlocks the door silently, eyes downcast. Daniel does not seem to notice this change in Julien's mood, or if he does, he reacts only by smiling at him and saying, "Thank you -- again." Julien returns the smile perfunctorily. "Not at all, mon ami." Once they are inside, Daniel spreads his arms and offers a hug. Julien blinks at him for a moment, then embraces him readily. "It's very kind of you." "It's all right, Daniel, really." "Yes, but -- still." Julien shakes his head. "Don't worry so much." Daniel lets him go. "I will try not to." "All right." Julien keeps a hand on his shoulder for a moment, then lets it fall. "It's difficult, isn't it?" Daniel looks away from him, embarrassed again. "Is it?" "Do you like it, then? A vacation of sorts --" Julien blinks at him, then turns away. "I didn't mean that." "I know you didn't. I'm sorry. I just don't know how to talk about this, really." "We needn't." Daniel blushes. "Perfectly true. I'm sorry." "Stop apologizing," Julien says mildly. "All right." Daniel fidgets with the corner of the book he's been carrying. "Sit down, won't you?" "All right." Daniel pulls out a chair from one of the desks in the room and sits in it, then glances at Julien again. "I don't mean to make this awkward." Julien looks at him wryly. "You're apologizing again." Daniel blushes. "It's a terrible habit." "So it is." Julien puts an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry." Daniel blinks at him and says nothing. Julien blinks back, then outright laughs. "All right. I'll stop if you will." Daniel thumps him on the shoulder. "I'll try," chuckling. "Agreed." Julien smiles, and lets him go, pulling the other chair over. "I don't know how -- or why -- I started apologizing so much," half-teasing. "After all, I rarely do anything worth being contrite for." "Really? You're better than most of us, then," ruefully. Daniel frowns. "I doubt you're half as bad as you think, Julien." Julien shrugs. "I've often done things I shouldn't have." "Yes, but did they hurt anyone?" "I don't know." Daniel touches his shoulder. "You probably help people a great deal more than you hurt them. You're a good man." Julien looks away. "One can only try." "I don't doubt that you succeed." Julien reaches up to take his hand, silent. "It's all right," Daniel says lightly. "Is it?" "It seems so to me." Julien hesitates a moment, then leans over to embrace him again. Daniel returns the embrace. Julien leans against him with a barely audible sigh. "Thank you for inviting me," Daniel says again. "You're entirely welcome." Daniel chuckles. "Thank you." After a moment, Julien looks up at him, oddly hesitant. Daniel blinks. "Is something wrong?" "No. I..." Julien trails off, and kisses him softly. Daniel freezes. "I -- mon ami, you needn't --" "I know." Julien blinks at him, and then, abruptly, goes scarlet. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't--" Daniel is also blushing. "If you want to -- I -- I just never thought you would, particularly -- I mean -- not with me, in any case." Julien shrugs, not quite looking at him, but his voice is steady. "Why not?" "I don't know. I just never considered it." "Neither did I, mon frère." Julien touches his cheek lightly. "I-- should I let you alone, then?" Daniel looks at him for a moment. "I suppose -- if you want company, I can do that. Just -- he glances away. "Please don't expect too much of me." Julien lets him go. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." "It's all right. I don't mind." Daniel touches his shoulder. "I just don't know what you expect of me at all." Julien looks away, coloring. "I don't know." Daniel nods. "All right. If you don't mind -- I --" he puts an arm around Julien again. "Why would I mind?" Julien says, mostly to the floor, but he reaches up to take Daniel's hand in his. "I don't know, mon frère." Daniel squeezes his fingers. Julien kisses him again, more confidently. Daniel returns the kiss after hesitating a moment. Once he relaxes slightly, he seems to be enjoying himself. After a minute or two, Julien remarks, almost steadily, "This probably isn't the best place to do this." "Probably not." Daniel kisses his cheek lightly. "We could move." "True." Julien pauses a moment before standing. Daniel stands and embraces him again. "Are you all right?" "Of course. Are you?" "Yes, I think so." "All right." Julien kisses him again lightly, and guides him toward the bed. Daniel gives him a somewhat weak smile and sits. "I -- God, this is terribly embarrassing, mon frère." Julien frowns. "I'm sorry." "I'm just not used to this. At all, really --" Daniel puts his head in one hand. "I should be quiet and -- and try to relax, shouldn't I." "You don't have to do anything." Julien sits down beside him at a decent distance. "That would be cowardly of me." Daniel moves over so that their legs are almost, but not quite touching. "No." Julien contemplates the floor. Daniel kisses his cheek. "It's all right." "Daniel--" Julien returns the kiss, and looks at him soberly. "It's all right to refuse. You're not obligated." "I know that." Daniel hugs him and buries his face in Julien's shoulder. "I do know. Just -- there must be something to this -- more than what I think I know -- and I do love you, Julien, if not in the way other people do." Julien laughs, sounding a little stricken. "Ah, God, brother." He hugs Daniel tightly. "Is that what you're thinking?" "Part of it. And I'm sure you've been told this before, but you're lovely, mon ami." Daniel blushes. "For God's sake." Julien chuckles again, and kisses his cheek. "Mon ami, I--" "You are," calmly, as one states an incontrovertible fact. "If you say so." He traces the line of Daniel's jaw with one finger. "I don't think I can help you understand any more than you already do." Daniel shivers. "I don't know. But it probably can't hurt - and if you want to --" "Do you?" Julien returns evenly, though his eyes are wistful. "I already pressed you into this once." "I think I was someone else, then." Daniel pauses, then kisses him in earnest. Julien shivers, and returns the kiss, knotting a hand in the back of Daniel's shirt. Daniel embraces him with a sigh. After a moment, breathlessly amused, "I think you must have been." Daniel blushes. "It was a long time ago." Julien kisses him again, a little shyly. Daniel moves a bit closer to him. "It's all right." "It does seem to be," Julien agrees. "At least -- this much is." Daniel glances away again. "I'm sorry." Julien pokes him. "Don't be." Daniel winces. "What?" "You're apologizing again." "Oh. All right. I didn't notice." Daniel kisses him. Julien leans into the kiss with a small sigh. "Ah," afterward. "I didn't think you -- meant this, when you invited me." Daniel blushes. "I mean, at first I did, but I decided you didn't." Julien gives him a bemused smile. "I didn't think I did, either." "Oh. All right." Daniel kisses him again. Julien acquiesces nearly cheerfully. After a moment he breaks the kiss, his hand straying to Daniel's collar. "May I?" "All right," breathlessly. Julien kisses his cheek, fingers tugging gently at fastenings. After a moment he slides a hand tentatively under Daniel's shirt, caressing his shoulder. Daniel sighs and embraces him. "Oh --" "Hmm?" softly. Daniel blinks at him a bit. "I think this could be quite pleasant, mon ami." Julien blinks back, his face a little flushed. "Ah, good. That's reassuring." Daniel puts a hand to his collar. "Do you mind?" Julien's breath catches. "Not at all." "All right." Daniel begins unbuttoning his shirt. "God, mon frère." Julien kisses him fleetingly, stroking the back of his neck. "Hmm?" He shivers. "You're rather lovely yourself." Daniel laughs. "I disagree." "Kiss me again?" He complies and slides a hand inside Julien's shirt. Julien clings to his shoulders a moment as though afraid of falling, then presses closer. "I --" Daniel pauses and looks at him a moment, then starts to laugh. Julien goes scarlet. "What?" "It's all madness," Daniel explains, still laughing, "And, good God, am I lucky. You are -- so lovely." He glances away for a moment. "And I'm lucky." "You're absurd," Julien says wryly, and hugs him again. "Perhaps," mildly. "I don't know. You make me want to draw." "What?" bewildered this time. "Because I can't sculpt," complacently. "I-- for heaven's sake." Daniel kisses his cheek. "Perhaps I'll talk you into it, sometime." Breathlessly, "I suppose that's only fair." "How do you mean?" before kissing him again. But Julien's only response is a small, impassioned noise and a redoubled effort to get his shirt off. Daniel clings to him. "God --" "Please." Julien kisses the base of his throat. "What, mon ami?" "I--" He closes his eyes a moment. "I can't think." "Oh." Daniel pauses a moment. "All right." Julien runs a hand down his back. "I don't particularly want to." Daniel shivers. "Oh. Then you needn't, I suppose." He gives Julien an oddly shy smile. "I don't want to think right now, either." The kiss that follows this is in stark contrast to his apparent hesitation of a moment before. "Good," Julien murmurs, and embraces him again purposefully. * * * * *The next day is a Sunday, and Audric does not return home until mid-morning. When he does, he is rather surprised to find that Julien is still asleep in bed, and even more surprised that he has his arms around Daniel. This gives Audric a moment's pause, during which time Daniel wakes up, blinks at Julien, then realizes Audric is there and blushes. "Good morning," he says, very quietly. Audric looks out the window, his mouth set in a firm line. "Good morning." Julien stirs, blinking fuzzily at Daniel's shoulder, and then squints past him. "Chéri," which is more of a greeting than he would ordinarily give Audric in front of company, but then he doesn't appear to be entirely awake yet. "Good morning," Audric says coldly, not looking at either of them. "I'm sorry," Daniel says, reaching for his shirt. "I'm going." "Thank you." Audric shakes his head. "I don't know why you didn't earlier." "Audric." Leave it to Julien to achieve that note of frosty rebuke, even half-asleep and naked. And then, more gently, "Good morning, Daniel. We'll see you tonight, I expect." Daniel nods, though he seems quite occupied in dressing as quickly as he can. Audric glares out the window and doesn't acknowledge that Julien said anything. Julien leans back against the pillow, rubbing his eyes. Daniel dresses very hastily while Audric attempts to pretend that he is not there. In a few minutes, Daniel is ready to go. He stands, runs a hand through his hair nervously, and says, "Have a good morning, then." Julien gives him that grave, gentle look he has in place of most people's smiles. "And you." A barely perceptible glance at Audric. "Give Aimery my regards." "I shall." Daniel glances at him with a ghost of a smile, then opens the door. "Goodbye," Audric says coldly. "Goodbye," Daniel returns, and goes out. When the door has shut, Julien stretches. "Did you sleep well?" "More or less." Audric turns back and waves a hand. "What was all that?" "All what?" Julien sits up. "Could you hand me my shirt?" Audric picks it up from the floor and throws it at him. "What was -that-? What was he doing here?" as if it wasn't perfectly clear. Julien refuses to be ruffled. "Spending the night." He pulls the shirt on efficiently, rubs his eyes again and swings his feet out of bed. "Since Aimery had company." "That's --" Audric turns red and looks out the window again. "Damn it." "Simple kindness to a sworn brother." Julien looks at him sharply. "Perhaps, since you wrote the rules, you would care to tell me what I should have done instead." "Kindness -- you didn't have to, it would have been all right." "Really? Thank you for enlightening me. I'm sure you know far better than I do how Daniel feels when his beloved is otherwise occupied." "God, Julien, you could have at least warned me," more brokenly than angrily. "I suppose I could." Julien starts looking for his pants. "Ah, yes. Pardon me for interrupting you, gentlemen, let me politely avert my eyes while I inquire, do you mind very much if I and the other friend of ours left out in the cold this evening spend the night together instead of staring at our separate ceilings? Have we your permission? Splendid. Carry on. I'll just see myself out." "That's not fair, damn it." Audric turns back to glare at him. "I told you where I was going. I could have left you to do whatever the hell you wanted until gone noon if you had told me." "And spared your sensibilities? Poor Audric. What a shock it must be to you." "You can do whatever you like," bitterly. "I'll see you later. Chase after him if you like, you can guess where he's going." Audric, paying very little attention to the fact that Julien is not yet attired, opens the door. "I can guess where you're going, too," sharply. "One wonders when Aimery manages to sleep." "I'm not going anywhere in particular," at least as sharply. "I'm leaving you the hell alone." Audric goes out and slams the door. * * * * *Audric returns late in the day, perhaps an hour before the time when he would need to leave again if he were going to the meeting. He tries his key in the door, finds that it had been open, and enters rather tentatively. Julien is sitting quietly at his desk, with his head in his hands, for all the world as though he's been there all day. He does not seem to notice when the door opens. "I'm sorry," Audric says, though he does not sound entirely earnest. There is something detached and rehearsed about his words. "I shouldn't have been upset with you, and you had every right to be angry with me." Julien shrugs slightly. "I don't know what more to say." "How long did it take you to come to that conclusion?" From anyone else, it might be resentful, but Julien's voice is merely faint and tired, nearly disinterested. "Damn it." Audric turns away from him. "Do you want me to lie, to tell you that it didn't infuriate me the way you've been lying to me and telling me that really, love, truly, chéri, it's not a problem? I can lie if you would rather hear that -- do whatever the hell you want, Julien, and I'll do the same, but what kind of love is that?" That penetrates the indifference, at least. "I never told you anything of the kind. When I leave the choice to you, when I refrain from making demands on you to constrain you, you choose to do what you know, you know, Audric, that I wish you would not do." Audric puts his head in one hand. "And yet you've done it. Or was it just too cold in here, last night?" "For one night," Julien says precisely, still not looking up, "I put my comfort -- and Daniel's -- ahead of your feelings. Since that is what you and Aimery do on a regular basis, I assumed you wouldn't be outraged." "If you want me to stay, ask it of me. Damn it, I don't know why you won't, if it bothers you so much." Audric shakes his head. "And was it only one night? Don't tell me, I don't want to hear the answer, you'll just say what you think I want to hear. I don't understand." Silence for a moment. Then: "Get out of here." Audric blinks at him. "What?" Julien raises his head, then, and glares at him with reddened eyes. "If you think that of me, then get out. I don't want to speak to you. You do exactly as you please, you leave me alone, and expect me to sit here with my hands folded waiting for you like a betrayed wife? Go to hell." "Julien," weakly. "I've told you from the start -- tell me to stop, and I will. And you never did. That's not fair. You can't be upset with me for that." "The hell I didn't. I asked you-- and you did, yes, and you hated every minute. I told you it bothered me. I will not hold you here against your will, and I will not be responsible for actions you take freely. If you didn't know I would rather have had you here last night, then you didn't choose to know. And you have no right, none, to go flying into a temper when you leave me alone and I take comfort where I can find it." Julien blinks swiftly. "There was a time when you asked me to stay." "And now you want me to go?" Audric gives him a stricken look. "Beloved, please, I would do anything for you, but don't ask that." Julien's scowl does not lighten. "Because you have to sleep somewhere when he's busy, is that it?" "Because I love you, and I would do anything to make you happy, whether you believe that or not." "Except grant me the same right you assume for yourself." Julien looks away. "If you're not content with me, then don't expect me to be content with half of you." "If you're not content with me, tell me." Audric runs a hand through his hair. "I never know if you're angry, I hardly know if you're happy anymore. You don't smile, you never laugh, and you -- you want me to go. Would it make you happy if I left?" "No," softly. "But it doesn't make you happy to have me here, either." Julien's voice catches. "Is that what you think?" "I don't know. You won't tell me. I don't know why you can't tell me to stay, if that's what you want. I didn't think you needed me every minute -- or someone -- it's been so long since you, since I knew you wanted someone else, I thought everything was all right." Audric looks at the floor. "Why didn't you tell me?" Julien closes his eyes. "I never wanted anyone else." And, after a moment, carefully, "I won't tell you to stay, because I won't tell you to do anything. You know I wish you would. The rest is your affair. I don't know how much clearer I can make it." "If you didn't want him, why was he naked?" sharply. Julien flinches, but: "No. You haven't the right, Audric. It goes both ways or not at all." "Don't lie to me. Not to make me feel better, not to make me stay -- whatever it is." Audric shakes his head. "I don't, I couldn't condemn you for wanting someone else, but I want to know about it." "I don't lie," Julien says coldly. "How have you lived with me for five years and not learned that? I don't want Daniel. I don't love Daniel. If you had come home to me last night, I would have turned him out in a minute." Audric blinks at him. "That would have been terribly inhospitable. Chéri -- don't be angry at me, please. I'll stay with you until you can't bear me anymore if you want me to. I love you. Don't be upset." "Then don't--" Julien puts his face in his hands. "Stop blaming me for things you do. Stay if you want to. Or go, and let me manage the best I can. But don't fume at me about it." "I'll stay," Audric promises fervently. "I never meant to hurt you. Never that. I'm sorry." Julien looks up, and there are tears on his cheeks. "I-- God, Audric--" "I promise --" Audric holds out a hand to him. "I won't -- unless you decide you'd rather have Daniel," half-teasing. Julien catches at his hands and rises swiftly. "That's not funny." Audric hugs him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it seriously." "Good," burying his face in Audric's shoulder. "I'm sorry," again, softly. "It's all right-- just--" "What, love?" Julien's fingers caress his shoulder over and over as though memorizing it. "Love you." "I love you, too. Is this so odd?" But Julien only shivers, and holds him tighter. Audric kisses his cheek. "It's all right." Julien returns the kiss. "I never wanted anyone but you," he says again, but this time it has a peculiar emphasis, a weight of unspoken meaning. Then he kisses Audric properly. After the kiss, Audric says, "I'm sorry, love." "Shhh." Julien smooths his hair. "All right." "I should never have asked you to do any of it." Julien hugs him tightly. "There's no use in that." "I'm sorry." Audric sighs. Julien shrugs, with the fatalism that comes over him now and again. "I would rather it was Aimery than someone else, someone I didn't know." Audric clings to him. "Beloved, I would never leave you -- never." "Shh," Julien says again, softly. "Come to bed." "We'll be late," Audric objects. "Not that late," Julien murmurs, and kisses him intently. Audric tangles his fingers in Julien's hair. "Ah, beloved." Julien makes a small breathless noise, and buries his face in Audric's shoulder. "Cher." "I'm not going anywhere," softly. "Good." Julien kisses him again. "I love you," between kisses. Julien knots a hand in the back of Audric's jacket. After a moment, breathlessly, "Bed."
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